Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Got Bugs? Stay Away From Me, Please.

Spring and I...we just don't get along.

I mean, it's not even *technically* Spring yet, and I already hate it. Urgh.

To know why I hate Spring so much, you have to know two things about me -

1. Deathly afraid of anything that could be classified as a bug.

2. Allergic to pollen.

I think it's safe to say that Spring is somewhat close to hell for me.

You know, I am starting to believe that nature can actually SENSE this hatred. And, the way that they get back at me for so actively hating on it...

Is to see how many bugs/pollen it can shove into my personal bubble at one time.

Take this morning for instance -

I walked outside to a LOVELY morning, not a cloud in the bright blue sky, birds chirping...a total Snow White moment, if you will.

That was until I decided to take a deep breath full of fresh air, and got a mouth full of moist pollen.

Mmmm. Breakfast. (But that's a story for another time!)

Two seconds later, I was chased from my porch by a very volatile bumblebee. Oh.Em.Gee, do I hate bumblebees.

This wasn't the first time that I knew it was getting dangerously close to Spring, though. Oh, no. That would be a few mornings ago. You see, my dad has this terribly strange obsession with leaving our back door WIDE open, as if to invite nature just to come right on into our house and have a seat.

...and it does.

However, on this particular morning, said nature item was a fly. A very annoying fly...a NINJA FLY!

Now, I know that you think I'm just crazy, but hear me out here...it was most definitely some kind of ninja fly on a mission from it's leader or something.

First, it kept getting tangled in my hair while I was trying to sleep. I was finally made aware of this, by the incessant "buzzing" noise that was going off in my ear. After a few swats, he managed to get out of there. (I would have thought it would have been death by hairspray inhalation, but...y'know.) I thought he was gone for good. So, I tried to go back to sleep.


He was crawling up my leg, puttering across my face, inspecting my ears...just all around being a nuisance. Finally, in a fit of rage, I was forced to just give it up and wake up. I have a strict personal rule - do NOT wake me up unless you are going to feed me or take me shopping. Since I have a feeling that this fly had no intention of doing either, it was certain death for the creature.

Oh well, rules is rules.

Last year, there were two particular bugs that were out to get me.

One was the stealth-bomber beetle (some strange, exotic kind) that lived under my porch, and the other was a sneaky Black Widow that lived in my mailbox.

For some reason, the stupid beetle started thinking that my porch was his property. I don't even remember him signing a lease, and I sure as hell wasn't getting any rent, so I continued to use the stairs as normal.



As soon as my foot hit the first step, the beetle was out from under the porch, and chasing me around the yard. At first, I didn't know that it was a beetle. I thought it was an angry bird.

...that should let you know the proportions of this "beetle."

The last straw was when it wouldn't let me go up the steps at all. Every time I got close to my porch, it would chase me away. I was left outside for a very long time. Finally, I resorted to jumping up and down in front of the kitchen window and waving my arms. Hoping, by chance, someone would notice me and send for help.

It didn't help too much, mostly just attracted the dogs' attention, and they were content just to sit there and watch me dance around the yard, trying to get someone to notice me.

An exterminator finally pointed us in the direction of some sort of foaming spray insecticide that coated them with a crust of goo, or something. I really don't know what it did...but it got rid of that beetle!

It was also useful for pest #2 - sneaky Black Widow in the mailbox. This one taught me that no  matter where I am...there is a creepy crawly waiting to pounce on me. This time - it just so happened to be in my mailbox. Thankfully, it didn't get to touch me, or I would have been certain that I was dying of spider poisoning.

It did however scare the pants off of me, and almost cause me to take a running dive into oncoming traffic. So, you know...death either way.

No one initially wanted to believe that it was a Black Widow. However, I happen to know that "red hourglass on the butt" is not just the hot new look for spiders this Spring.

I was able to get rid of him with my super-strength foamy goo spray, as well. It works almost as good as hairspray!

I was, however, scarred for life from that point, though. I now have a habit of checking the mail with an oven mitt and a pair of tongs.

Ok. Just kidding.

...about the oven mitt.


  1. Your an AMAZING writer (even if you don't update your Venus does Riverview blog nearly enough) but there is one problem. My little brother, Nicky, keeps bugging me and saying "What are you laughing at." As if its against the law to laugh! Hmph. Well, it must be in Nickyland because he just arrested me! With plastic handcuffs and everything! AND I have to pay bail!!! He wouldn't believe me when I said it was all your fault.

    He is the strictest nine year old in the world.

  2. *lol* Thank you!! Sorry that I got you arrested, but I am glad that you enjoyed my entry!